I didn’t know how long my break would last, I just knew I needed one. It felt so good to not be working on anything in particular. Just going through my magazine pile, pulling out what I wanted to save and cut out, finally surrendering stacks to the recycle bin. Finding great people and objects to cut out, lots of background textures and fonts for ransom letters. When I do this, I have two baskets on my desk: one for keepers, and one that goes towards my collage kits. It’s a nice way to spend some hours feeling like I’m actually sorta doing something while not really being productive.
And that ate at me, those gnawing voices of “I should be…” Then the guilt for feeling guilty. LOL it’s a process! Being scared I won’t ever want to create again, afraid of all the time I’m wasting when I have a list of zines I want to make happen. Then realizing I’ve actually made a bunch of stuff, and I deserve a break. This is okay, it’s allowed.
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Merriam Webster defines the word break as: an interruption in continuity. (Okay, I can live with that. It’s temporary, phew. An interruption in something that’s bound to continue… But what about when it feels like it’s not, when it feels like it’s just the end?); a notable change of subject matter, attitude, or treatment. Interesting.
I spent these weeks feeling changed, feeling different. My attitude about making art to show other people changed, I was against it now. It was too pleasant in my one person bubble. My treatment of myself changed. I vacillated between praising myself (for taking it easy and not worrying about posting on IG to maintain my audience by sharing stuff or promote things I wanted to sell for money), and beating myself up (for not producing anything!).
It also got very cold and very snowy here for a while. I wasn’t going out walking, because of the temperature or because of the snow and ice. The more I stayed inside the more I wanted to stay inside. This results in me feeling generally more irritable, having trouble falling asleep at night because I’m too antsy, and after a while also feeling physically stiff.
It was a whole thing. If I’m not making art to share, and I’m not walking, and I’m not making zines, who am I? Jeesh. But I found myself enjoying what I was doing. I read more books, I was excited to cook meals, I put puzzles together all by myself and felt good about myself! I was also journaling, and decorating my journal, and that made me smile. There was one ill-fated visit to a shopping mall where my partner and I got sucked in and visited new stores, buying shit, buying shit.
This also made me feel guilty, but I remembered that it’s a hard time - I am allowed to find joy where I find it. Spending more time indoors means it may often be found in material goods. But what about all the people who don’t have enough, who struggle to survive? I also had to remind myself that I do what I can for mutual aid. (One of my favorite orgs to support this time of year is Trans Santa, check them out!) I’m privileged enough to have a nesting partner who works in tech, which pays more than either of us ever dreamed of making back when we were living paycheck-to-paycheck. We make sure to give a lot away. No matter how hard my brain tries to convince me, I am not a bad person.
So am I still an artist when I’m not making art? Yes. Am I still an outdoors enthusiast when I haven’t gone for a walk or gone birding in a minute? Sure. Lots of people wax and wane through their hobbies and I’m allowed to do that, too. My rigidity tells me I must be 100%, I have to do it perfectly or else I’m a phony and a bad person. I thank the rigidity, knowing it’s just trying to be helpful and protect me, and gently let it wander off until I may need it again.
I know this newsletter is a bit different than you’re used to seeing, but I don’t have much to share so I thought I’d let you into my head more than usual. Here are some life highlights and fun things:
I went to see Kill Bill The Whole Bloody Affair, my first time in a movie theater in 4 years! It was awesome, I love Uma. I’m far from a Quentin Tarantino head, but I’ve always been a fan of Kill Bill.
I got one of those little wireless thermal printers. It’s been fun to do some mini scrap-booking in my journal.
I found Better Than Bouillon’s No Chicken broth base! Now my soups get a glow-up. This bouillon is so hard to find sometimes, it’s the most delicious thing and I worried they took it off the market.
I shipped to 6 countries this year. Etsy tells me my top countries are US, Australia and Canada.
I saw Catch 22, a ska band I probably haven’t seen in 20+ years. I wonder what ska bands I’ll see in weird venues in 2026.
Mostly what I did in December was work on decorating envelopes to send out my holiday cards. Which I enjoyed! I bought some “vintage” postage (I remember them from my childhood) that I was excited to use, as well as stickers and washi and sometimes some fancy handwriting. I felt wrapped up in that and unable to start anything else while my desk was occupied.
But it had been 2 months since I last made/worked on a zine, and I finally felt the pull to make something. Specifically something new. I saw a tutorial on IG for a different type of flexagon that’s actually much easier! I had fun collaging a few. And I’m glad I then joined a Zine Club Chicago zoom where Liz Mason led us in making an “It’s Been A Year” zine. It felt like the floodgates came crashing open! It felt so relieving to make a zine. I felt like myself again. I realized my break had come to a natural end.
As a Christmas treat, I’m sharing a poem I wrote in 2020 that appeared in an early issue of Kris In Love & Recovery, now out of print. It’s called Validation I.
I felt it when my painter friend kept suggesting I do it, like really do it
I felt it when I scanned my first collage and saw it beautiful, vibrant and professional looking on the computer screen
I felt it when the guy I talked to from NY said he doesn’t like poetry, but that really made him feel something
I really felt it when I made a new instagram account just for it
and when I held those first prints in my hand, blinking, I could hardly believe what my eyes were seeing
and if I sell a single copy of my zine at this event
I’m gonna leave
and go live my life
as the artist I am
Wishing you all a holiday season in which it’s easy to find little pockets of joys, feelings of warmth + security, the healing powers of creativity, and rest - which we all need this time of year, even if it feels hard and uncomfortable to slow down! Expect to see me posting lots less on IG, and maybe even another newsletter before a month is up.
Love,
Kris
(they/them)